Did You Hear About the Cozzens?

We haven’t been to the movies together since just before Christmas, when we saw The Blind Side. It was a toss-up between what turned out to be Sandra Bullock’s Oscar-winning performance and the Hugh Grant/Sarah Jessica Parker film, Did You Hear About the Morgans. We both enjoyed The Blind Side and felt it was the right choice.

This morning, a windy Tuesday in Tucson, turned out to be not a very good outdoor workout day. Indoor workout days point to the elliptical machine. We’ve found the best way to pass the time on the elliptical is to watch TV while tallying up the miles and burning off the calories.

Today, we felt like a movie. So, while Mike jumped on the machine first, I used the On Demand feature on our DirecTV system and ordered Did You Hear About The Morgans.

At least I thought I did.

The film started out very dark. There was man waking up early, who then woke up his little brother. He met a group of guys in a locker room—actors we recognized like Matt Dillon and Laurence Fishburne—and they put on uniforms and showed off their guns. I thought it was strange that Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker would be in a film with these dudes.

Pushing the MENU button on my remote, I checked to make sure I had ordered the right movie. It clearly read: “Did You Hear About the Morgans.” I didn’t know anything about the story, other than it was supposed to be a comedy. The synopsis said it was about a couple in the witness protection program.

Okay . . . so we continued with the guys in the locker room and watched them get into armored vehicles. We figured the crime was about to happen, and that at any moment the Morgans would appear and be the witnesses.

Mike was sweating away, breathing heavily, while I snuggled up with a blanket, waiting to see what Sarah Jessica might be wearing and for this crime to take place. The lulling back-and-forth of the elliptical and the darkness of the film were putting me to sleep. Meanwhile, the guys in the armored truck made their pick-up and delivery. And there was no crime. No witnesses.


I checked again. “Did You Hear About the Morgans” came up once more as the title of the film. We were thirty minutes into this thing and I was still trying to conjure up a way for the cute black guy, the rookie on the armored vehicle team, to get hooked up with Grant and Parker.

“You still think you’ve got the wrong movie, don’t you?” offered Mike, now about five-hundred calories lighter.

“I’d say I’m pretty certain.”

I explored the DirecTV menus and saw there was another On Demand film called Armored starring, of course, Matt Dillon and Laurence Fishburne.


Obviously DirecTV had a programming glitch. I confirmed this by calling and made sure I didn’t get charged $5.99 for the wrong movie. And when I finally got a supervisor on the phone (after an automated system nightmare and a woman who was on the first day of the job and simply couldn’t understand my problem), both Mike and I were into the action film and wanted to see the outcome.

In the meantime, the Cozzens comedy team came up with several different plot scenarios merging these two films. And frankly, I think our versions were more entertaining than what was erroneously broadcasting into our bedroom.

I’d share them, but I promised my husband I’d keep it all in the witness protection program.

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